Feb 19th 2025

Current music: Sims 3 Music

I am not a person.

I am a list of disorders. I am a list of symptoms, of identities, of traits. At most, I am a curated blog. I have no actual substance. I always related to Patrick Bateman whenever I watched or read American Psycho, which I'm sure isn't a good thing. I have never truly connected with anyone in my life. The closest I get to feeling alive is the rush of emotions I get when I become obsessed with someone, and even then I have to hide it from people. I miss Kakashi, but I just ruin things for people.

On the bright side though, imagining myself like a Sim and listening to Sims music helps. It's a good thing I'm so obsessed with a Sims game that doesn't have the emotion mechanic.

Feb 12th 2025

Current music: -

Every day is the same. I wish I could live alone for a week or so to refresh. Trying to get into the habit of practicing Spanish every day again; before I would do several lessons in one day and then neglect it for a few days. I want to make things but all of my creativity is sapped. I need to go to therapy again soon but of course like everything I have to wait and wait and wait. At least I'm not obsessed with Kakashi anymore. Sexuality really is just a waste of time. Am I really that utilitarian? Haven't catalogued more books but would like to do so, but everything is so dusty and it gets on my clothes. And my dresser is overflowing, I need a better way to sort everything. And I need an outfit for the dinner, I need to do the laundry tomorrow.

Feb 11th 2025

Current music: Change the Formality - Infected Mushroom

Everything feels off today, I'm not sure why. I guess it's my excessive scrolling but I can't really do anything else. Or, I don't feel like I can. I'm writing this on the porch outside which is making me feel a little better since I didn't go outside yesterday. We've been cataloguing every book on the giant bookshelf we have and are planning to sell some of them. There are some really interesting ones though, like vintage knitting patterns. One book had very detailed instructions on various parts of clothing, like hems and pockets, which I haven't seen anywhere else! Hopefully I'll do more of that today.

Haven't knit the scarf in a little bit, but it's probably 80% done. I only have about 4 more stripes left. The breeze outside is so nice... The wind is my favorite weather. I just wish it were colder.

Over the past few days I've been viewing myself as a Sim, trying to keep track of my motives and whatnot. Really, my hardest need to take care of is hunger because I don't like eating in front of people or even anyone knowing that I'm eating. I really need to read more physical books since I have so many and using my computer all day isn't good for me but I don't like people knowing what I'm reading either. Maybe I could knit one of those book cozies but that seems silly.

I'd like to listen to albums again. In 2023 I listened to 70 albums! Many of them I still love, and I have a huge backlog. This is what I should use some of my alone time for, I guess, because I am starting to stagnate musically. Since I love spreadsheets so much, I should turn all of my albums into one. #MyMeandering

Edit: After writing this I logged out of my alt Tumblr account and wrote the password in a notepad doc before deleting it from my password manager. This was the account that I kept doomscrolling on so hopefully it'll help.

Feb 9th 2025

Current music: Icelandic

I need to learn about fashion, I would love to dress up nice and fancy and I have so many nice clothes but I always fall back to a t-shirt and jeans or a skirt.

I've been able to draw a little more often. I just hate getting my drawing tablet out since I have to plug it into the wall. Drawing my fursona has been motivating me, but it makes me realize my perception of myself is at odds with how I actually am. I've always pictured myself without glasses and with straight hair, for example. If I drew myself every day for a week, I think I would create a different person every time. Even my fursona has a male and female version. Part of me wishes I could just be a kid.

I should get into beading, maybe. My housemates have lots of beading supplies, and I'd love to make a gore necklace. You know, those kinds of chokers that make it look like your throat is bleeding. I don't think my friends would like it though >.<

Feb 5th 2025

Current music: Not Now But Soon - Imogen Heap

Would it be better to have many small entries or one big one every day? My last entry was so long that I did keep a notepad entry open of the topics I wanted to write about but I suppose that wasn't enough. Perhaps it would be better to write it at the end of the day? Or compile things?

Anyway, an Imogen Heap song coming on has reminded me that I would like to get more into songwriting. I have a lot of trouble analyzing lyrics and creating meaning for them. Hell, if I hadn't been told, I probably wouldn't have picked up on Stinkfist being about fisting. Maybe it's from my lack of education or the way my brain works, but I feel like instrumentation carries more meaning than vocals. (Or, just maybe, it's because I listen to 3OH!3.) I can ignore stupid or meaningless lyrics if the backing is good enough, and though I probably should, I haven't looked up translations to most of the non-English songs I listen to. (Addendum: To be fair, many of them are Icelandic and don't have lyrics online) I have no idea what Patrick Stump is saying in most of his pre-hiatus songs.

Perhaps I don't have much of a poetic side. Songwriting comes with an extra hurdle of making sure the words actually sound good. English isn't a very pretty language. I'll confess: I used to write songs in Icelandic and Spanish because it felt less embarrassing than baring my soul in my native language, but they most likely weren't very grammatically correct because I'm not fluent in either. (Some day, though.... Staring longingly at my Spanish for Beginners book) And I struggle with melody, which is incredibly important if you want to make tunes that actually stick like I do.

Songs are different from poetry though in that a lot of songs have filler words or excessive repetition-- now another song came on and it repeats the line "Fuck human beings, fuck humanity". I feel like all of my writing has to be "ethereal" but when I do it's more just like a bunch of poetic sounding words that create a vibe. Actually, I might be good at creating "gothic" music (or at least the public's perception of what goth music is) if I just slather my vocals in reverb and say a bunch of nice sounding words. Monday vampire, Tuesday vampire. It's like I'm in Doki Doki Literature Club and I'm choosing the ghostly words to romance Yuri like "vertigo" and "suicide." This is coming across way more negatively than I mean it to but I don't know how else to say these things.

I probably have more to say on the production of music itself but I would want another cup of coffee for that first. Did I write [opening MS Word] 500 words because of some coffee?

I'm not proofreading this lol, I wrote this in intervals so I don't know if I even finished any of my ideas. Is this anything? I think I'm just vomiting into the Dreamwidth editor. (Not even writing these in Word or anything!!!)

Feb 5th 2025

Current music: Bishops Knife Trick - Fall Out Boy

Slowly but surely, I think I'm doing better. I'd like to think getting up at 7 every day has been doing some heavy lifting. That and going outside and getting some sunlight every day. I still have a long way to go, and I can tell because I still do not want to do math and want to use 4chan. I haven't been on there since September, though! I really hate doing anything related to school. I just need to learn enough to get my GED.

I've been knitting a scarf for a few days and it's been doing well! I'm making it to wear when it gets windy (my neck gets cold) and to cover my face a bit. I've also been knitting it with circular needles which has been life changing! I've had a little trouble with changing colors without a jog, but I've done enough stripes that it's gotten much easier. It's wonderful to just knit every row. And it's double-sided!

Speaking of knitting, since it's Valentine's Day soon, there are so many cute heart themed patterns on Ravelry. I'd love to make some heart-patterned socks but I don't have any sock-weight yarn, only DK. All of the sock patterns on Ravelry are so cute, though!

I've been reading some books that I'd like to finish soon-- Mort by Terry Pratchett and Escaping Peril by Tui T. Sutherland. As I'm sure you can tell by my account theme, I love the grim reaper and death as a theme so Mort has been fun, I just wish I was reading a physical copy. I could finish Escaping Peril much faster but I'm a little embarrassed to be reading middle grade dragon books at my age.

Starting my own blog is strange. I like to keep to myself so it's like I'm just speaking to a void. I like reading strangers' blogs online, on here and Neocities, but do people feel the same about me? I wonder if this has any point. At the very least, I can write it for myself to look back on later.

Feb 4th 2025

Current music: From Here on It Got Rough - Kaada

All of my Tumblr drafts and likes have been cleaned! I'm now following 4 blogs and they're all my friends. I could stand to get rid of a few more drafts but I would have nowhere else to put them currently.

Been reading lots of short stories recently. My mom came over yesterday and we wanted to start a bank account but have to wait. In the mean time, I suppose I should study for my driver's license. I have lots of things that I have to do but really don't want to. I have to study math (and the other subjects too I suppose) and Spanish and the driver's manual and uuugh it's all so much. I wish I could have a break from it all.

Feb 2nd 2025

Current music: ♪ Icelandic

Having an alright day! Went out to where I met my best friends at. I haven't gone in at least a year. It was so nostalgic seeing all of the trees I remember from before. I've grown so much since then.

Currently cleaning out my Tumblr drafts and posting them on my new blog. A lot of furry scam accounts have been following me recently, I've blocked at least 5. I keep wondering whether I should go with my original plan of writing about my mundane activities using the voice of Patrick Bateman but I guess I should be sincere.